Good grief. I realized that last post I had a little wishful thinking ... skipped from 1099 to 2000. Good thing I just teach numbers to 100 on a daily basis or my students would be in trouble. Seriously.
1115. a thoughtful facebook message from the parent of a past student
1116. what i call the "Aldi-Quarter-for-a-cart-handoff" in the parking lot
1117. chunky tomato soup
1118. seeing fruits of our labor
1119. borrowed supplies that we don't have to buy
1120. neighbor kids on their bikes
1121. giving a tour of our house to family for the first time
1122. plants and trees blooming in the yard (it's like a treasure hunt since it's all new to us!)
1123. friend checking to see if i needed help
1124. bowl of bright jelly beans
1125. magnolia tree in bloom outside our kitchen window
1126. someone doing us a favor
1127. shoes i was looking for on clearance
1128. the miracles that magic erasers work while cleaning
1129. a shared load
1130. seeing/hearing a storm roll in
1131. gentle rain at twilight
1132. hard work and preparation paying off for my husband's calling
1133. hot shower to greet me in the morning
1134. help with an undesirable task
1135. people including me
1136. husband encouraging me to try something new
1137. baking chocolate chip cookies with 2 girls on a rainy afternoon
1138. being able to "veg" when I have a headache
1139. others' positive attitudes rubbing off on me
1140. picking up bobbie pins off of the floor
1141. being supportive of a friend
1142. look on a students' face when eating a pickle
1143. van full of youth
1144. being trusted
1145. our realtor
1146. date night in
1147. talk on phone with good friend
1148. getting lost in the country while driving around
1149. husband encouraging me to do what is hard
1150. seeing people i know around town
1151. waking up slowly without an alarm
1152. being greeted by the youth group girls as i drive up to church
1153. spiritual milestone (19 years of walking with Him)
1154. dinner date with my husband
1155. finding something I thought was lost
1156. closing on our house...finally!
1157. sensitive nature of my husband
1158. meeting neighbors
1159. sitting in the back seat on the bus on our field trip
1160. black cows, green grass, blue sky, and white puffy clouds
endless gifts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
the art of living in "today"
So I've never really been one to make "new year's resolutions" (I realize I'm a few weeks late)...at least not officially. I know it's at least a partial fear of failure, partial pride, and part something else that I can't quite figure out.
I'm an "all or nothing" kind of girl. If I don't think I can do something well (read between the lines: the best or close to it) or correctly, I'd rather pass, thank you very much. God and I are working on this as I realize it's somewhat of a problem.
My husband and I are embarking on a new church adventure.We've worked hard the last almost 2 years forging and investing and it's bittersweet to be leaving. But we know we're being obedient and doing the next thing He has for us. All of those things you tell yourself when you question yourself in the middle of the night.
The famous last words I've heard frequently are: "We'll keep in touch."
I know the reality (or maybe I'"m more pessimistic than I'd like to admit) is that life will get busy either with new relationships or simply life or folding laundry and somewhere between school work and paying bills and loving those new people, some of those "old"relationships will be a thing of the past and "downgraded" to merely a "facebook relationship." (I define this as: I haven't actually talked to this person in a year or more, but still creepily know what's going on and keep tabs through facebook status updates). And that makes me super sad. I'm not one to easily give up on relationships or look at them in the rear view mirror of my life. But I know changing directions is a good thing and change is a guarantee.
Thus, I get stuck in the past.
Reluctantly, I'm resolving to live in the present. The "not-there-yet, "that-will-be-the-day", "today-has-enough-worries-of-it's own" today.
The future gets too scary for me I can't control it. It's unruly in a pesky sort of way. It's going to be for my good I know (Jeremiah 29:11)-I say this by faith-but I'm sure there will be painful moments too. These are relationships and scenarios I want to go a certain way. But the best thing for me to do (from what I read of God's Word), is to resolve to live in the present. I can "control" how I respond.
With grace. With faith. With gratitude.
This is the imperfect resolution for me- this "living in the present." I am sure I will fail more times than I'd like to count and it will drive my "all or nothing" self crazy. But in as many ways as it's imperfect, that makes it the perfect resolution as well. Another opportunity to be transformed by His grace. And slough off a little more pride.
P.S. After writing this post, I had the song I learned in Girl Scouts when I was 7 running through my brain. "Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver, the other gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long I will be your friend." Cheesy I know. But true? yes. Please say I"m not the only one who knows that song.
I'm an "all or nothing" kind of girl. If I don't think I can do something well (read between the lines: the best or close to it) or correctly, I'd rather pass, thank you very much. God and I are working on this as I realize it's somewhat of a problem.
My husband and I are embarking on a new church adventure.We've worked hard the last almost 2 years forging and investing and it's bittersweet to be leaving. But we know we're being obedient and doing the next thing He has for us. All of those things you tell yourself when you question yourself in the middle of the night.
The famous last words I've heard frequently are: "We'll keep in touch."
I know the reality (or maybe I'"m more pessimistic than I'd like to admit) is that life will get busy either with new relationships or simply life or folding laundry and somewhere between school work and paying bills and loving those new people, some of those "old"relationships will be a thing of the past and "downgraded" to merely a "facebook relationship." (I define this as: I haven't actually talked to this person in a year or more, but still creepily know what's going on and keep tabs through facebook status updates). And that makes me super sad. I'm not one to easily give up on relationships or look at them in the rear view mirror of my life. But I know changing directions is a good thing and change is a guarantee.
Thus, I get stuck in the past.
Reluctantly, I'm resolving to live in the present. The "not-there-yet, "that-will-be-the-day", "today-has-enough-worries-of-it's own" today.
The future gets too scary for me I can't control it. It's unruly in a pesky sort of way. It's going to be for my good I know (Jeremiah 29:11)-I say this by faith-but I'm sure there will be painful moments too. These are relationships and scenarios I want to go a certain way. But the best thing for me to do (from what I read of God's Word), is to resolve to live in the present. I can "control" how I respond.
With grace. With faith. With gratitude.
This is the imperfect resolution for me- this "living in the present." I am sure I will fail more times than I'd like to count and it will drive my "all or nothing" self crazy. But in as many ways as it's imperfect, that makes it the perfect resolution as well. Another opportunity to be transformed by His grace. And slough off a little more pride.
P.S. After writing this post, I had the song I learned in Girl Scouts when I was 7 running through my brain. "Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver, the other gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long I will be your friend." Cheesy I know. But true? yes. Please say I"m not the only one who knows that song.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Pressing on to 1000
902. Joey the cat lapping up milk
903. camp fire under the stars
904. holding a baby under the night sky
905. afternoon playing games on the deck on a beautiful Sunday afternoon
906. He is bigger than "to do" lists and responsibilities
907. the "gooeyness" factor of smores
908.coconut cake
909. someone pulling up a chair to help me with an overwhelming task
910. reading in bed at night
911. a card made by a student "stickered" with love for me (probably at least 30 stickers on a 5 x 6 surface area)
912. Trader Joe's peanut butter cups
913. friend who has "been there and done that."
914. good conversations with parents of students
915. parents of my students who trust my judgement and opinion
916. Veteran's Day
917. an unexpected glimmer of hope
918. victory over temptation
919. saturday afternoon at a coffee shop
920. trick or treating children
921.sleeping in and a snuggle with the kitty
922. chocolate chip pumpkin muffins from a friend
923. new possibilities
924. a clean house that looks and smells like it
925. reflection of the stoplight on the wet pavement
926. full moon on my way home from school
927. homemade ice cream in November
928. silhouettes against a November orange sky at dusk
929. a "crafternoon" with friends at church
930. Friday night pizza
931. migraine relief
932. spaghetti sauce made by my husband
933. meeting new people and hearing their stories
934. squirrel on our deck (Joey somehow missed it, he would have gone crazy if he'd seen it!)
935. nest of birds in a near by tree
936. Saturday morning walk with my husband
937. student from last year who came to read to my class
938. new morning show on the radio
939. the choice to press on
940. extra hour of sleep
941. student who thinks "Mrs. G makes learning fun." (his words, not mine)
942. a "no plans weekend"
943. wearing favorite sweaters again
944. Monday night date
945. principals who have "got my back"
946. flowers from my husband just because (on 11.11.11 no less)
947. accidentally being called "mom" or "grandma" by a student
948. hot chocolate with friends after a hard day
949. watching "Elf" for the first time of the season
950. the food I brought to the church potluck being devoured within minutes:)
951. friends who tell you a Word they heard from the Lord that was meant just for you
952. Saturday morning breakfast at one of our favorite places
953. friends who ask questions
954. cold and windy Sunday afternoon that gives me a good excuse to stay in
955. homemade oatmeal for breakfast
956. God's clear guidance
957. favorite recipes
903. camp fire under the stars
904. holding a baby under the night sky
905. afternoon playing games on the deck on a beautiful Sunday afternoon
906. He is bigger than "to do" lists and responsibilities
907. the "gooeyness" factor of smores
908.coconut cake
909. someone pulling up a chair to help me with an overwhelming task
910. reading in bed at night
911. a card made by a student "stickered" with love for me (probably at least 30 stickers on a 5 x 6 surface area)
912. Trader Joe's peanut butter cups
913. friend who has "been there and done that."
914. good conversations with parents of students
915. parents of my students who trust my judgement and opinion
916. Veteran's Day
917. an unexpected glimmer of hope
918. victory over temptation
919. saturday afternoon at a coffee shop
920. trick or treating children
921.sleeping in and a snuggle with the kitty
922. chocolate chip pumpkin muffins from a friend
923. new possibilities
924. a clean house that looks and smells like it
925. reflection of the stoplight on the wet pavement
926. full moon on my way home from school
927. homemade ice cream in November
928. silhouettes against a November orange sky at dusk
929. a "crafternoon" with friends at church
930. Friday night pizza
931. migraine relief
932. spaghetti sauce made by my husband
933. meeting new people and hearing their stories
934. squirrel on our deck (Joey somehow missed it, he would have gone crazy if he'd seen it!)
935. nest of birds in a near by tree
936. Saturday morning walk with my husband
937. student from last year who came to read to my class
938. new morning show on the radio
939. the choice to press on
940. extra hour of sleep
941. student who thinks "Mrs. G makes learning fun." (his words, not mine)
942. a "no plans weekend"
943. wearing favorite sweaters again
944. Monday night date
945. principals who have "got my back"
946. flowers from my husband just because (on 11.11.11 no less)
947. accidentally being called "mom" or "grandma" by a student
948. hot chocolate with friends after a hard day
949. watching "Elf" for the first time of the season
950. the food I brought to the church potluck being devoured within minutes:)
951. friends who tell you a Word they heard from the Lord that was meant just for you
952. Saturday morning breakfast at one of our favorite places
953. friends who ask questions
954. cold and windy Sunday afternoon that gives me a good excuse to stay in
955. homemade oatmeal for breakfast
956. God's clear guidance
957. favorite recipes
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The battle is real...
Ingratitude seems to be this pesky insect that I am swatting at constantly. I try to change my position, run another direction, get a better tool to fight it with ... and it's still there. Makes me tired. I guess this is something I can look forward to when getting to heaven. I won't have ingratitude (won't have a lot of other problems either).
And then I hear about problems others have in their lives. An eviction notice. Husband and father of 4 killed in a car accident. Loss of a job. Broken bones. Heartbreak. Fractured relationships. Marriage that is less than ideal. Elderly parents getting older and more frail by the day. A medical diagnosis that is anything but desirable. Living daily with a chronic disease.
And I find myself thinking "Wow, my life could be so much harder."
And then I hear about joys others are having. Expecting another little one. The birth of a new "bundle of joy." Accepting a new job and moving to a very desirable part of the country. Going on a lovely vacation with loved ones. People with free time! Having choices and options. Buying a house. A long awaited change. Debt paid off.
And I find myself thinking "Gee, my life could be so much better."
And then I think about my very real journey with this gratitude thing. I know it has it's place. And so does perspective. But what I'm finally putting my finger on is this (with the help of a very wise friend): my battle is real. Your battle is real. My joy is real. Your joy is real. My God is so personal and He is weaving all of these various struggles, battles, losses, joys, victories, happiness together to make a more complete and beautiful life that I hope will glorify Him. I can't discount my journey and neither can you. What is hard for me may not be as hard for you. What is hard for you may not be as hard for me. It's what maybe makes some of my struggles "battles" and what makes some of your struggles your "battles." And that's okay. There is Grace that covers me and you. And my God who carries me, loves me how I am, and yet loves me too much to let me stay the same. My battles are real and my God is very real. He has the final say. And He's made me more than a conqueror.
And then I hear about problems others have in their lives. An eviction notice. Husband and father of 4 killed in a car accident. Loss of a job. Broken bones. Heartbreak. Fractured relationships. Marriage that is less than ideal. Elderly parents getting older and more frail by the day. A medical diagnosis that is anything but desirable. Living daily with a chronic disease.
And I find myself thinking "Wow, my life could be so much harder."
And then I hear about joys others are having. Expecting another little one. The birth of a new "bundle of joy." Accepting a new job and moving to a very desirable part of the country. Going on a lovely vacation with loved ones. People with free time! Having choices and options. Buying a house. A long awaited change. Debt paid off.
And I find myself thinking "Gee, my life could be so much better."
And then I think about my very real journey with this gratitude thing. I know it has it's place. And so does perspective. But what I'm finally putting my finger on is this (with the help of a very wise friend): my battle is real. Your battle is real. My joy is real. Your joy is real. My God is so personal and He is weaving all of these various struggles, battles, losses, joys, victories, happiness together to make a more complete and beautiful life that I hope will glorify Him. I can't discount my journey and neither can you. What is hard for me may not be as hard for you. What is hard for you may not be as hard for me. It's what maybe makes some of my struggles "battles" and what makes some of your struggles your "battles." And that's okay. There is Grace that covers me and you. And my God who carries me, loves me how I am, and yet loves me too much to let me stay the same. My battles are real and my God is very real. He has the final say. And He's made me more than a conqueror.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
gratitude list:: #704-765
Finally reading Ann VosKamp's One Thousand Gifts (starting a new book after school has started...that's preposterous!) and I ran across this in the book that really spoke my heart:
"And blind eyes see: It's this sleuthing for the glory that shows a life gloriously...Giving thanks for one thousand things is ultimately an invitation to slow time down with weight of full attention. In this space of time and sphere, I am attentive, aware, accepting the whole of the moment, weighing it down with me all there."
704. a mother holding her baby while praying
705. watching Food Network while working out (I get a weird kind of satisfaction out of this)
706. breakfast in bed made by my husband
707. guy at the car place honoring our warranty that expired the day before
708. having more time than i thought I did
709. watching a "bride to be" at a bridal shower
710. Peace in the midst of uncertainty
711. whispers of truth
712. new recipe that is a new favorite
713. being invited by a child for her birthday dinner
714. inspirational teacher movies (and the movie marathons that ensue with Brooke)
715. a clean closet whipped into shape!
716. sunbeams
717. early morning runners
718. glow from the nightlight
719. relief from physical pain
720. rain puddles
721. not allowing discouragement to settle in
722. one full week of school under my belt
723. blueberry whole wheat pancakes
724. Sonic Thursday at school
725. child holding the door open for his friends
726. kitty on my lap while my Bible is open in front of me
727. book orders at school
728. butter toffee coffee
729. contented sighs of a baby
730. cute old lady crossing the street for church
731. opening new school supplies
732. cooler weather after extremely hot and record breaking weather
733. peace that passes understanding
734. freshly grated lemon peel
735. new basil plant
736. white tennis shoes and stiff shoe laces on my students
737. a project completed
738. being trusted with a confidence
739. desperate mews of Joey the cat locked outside
740. concerned friends
741. conversation with our pastor
742. how moving furniture transforms a room
743. "dinner to go" on the first day of school
744. mango salsa
745. first day of school flowers from my husband
746. relief of a stomachache
747. feeling rested
748. city skyline at Twilight
749. trying new food from a different culture
750. my students catching onto routine
751. sitting in a plush recliner in a movie theatre (I highly recommend the "Cinema Suites" at the Power and Light district...so much fun!)
752. baby turtles
753. fun date night with my husband
754. listening to Disney soundtracks from days gone by (those days when I used to sing with my "finger microphone")
755. cattails waving in the golden morning glow on the side of the road
756. Nutella on an English muffin for breakfast
757. husband's haircut that he did himself (and it looks great!)
758. kitty lying on a slice of afternoon sun on our bedroom floor
759. reading the newspaper on a Sunday afternoon
760. cooking with my husband
761. listening to opera while eating Italian food
762. flour on my cheek while baking cookies
763. perfect oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (the secret seems to be oatmeal that has been in the food processor til it's fine like flour)
764. new sheets on the bed
765. no wrinkles
"And blind eyes see: It's this sleuthing for the glory that shows a life gloriously...Giving thanks for one thousand things is ultimately an invitation to slow time down with weight of full attention. In this space of time and sphere, I am attentive, aware, accepting the whole of the moment, weighing it down with me all there."
704. a mother holding her baby while praying
705. watching Food Network while working out (I get a weird kind of satisfaction out of this)
706. breakfast in bed made by my husband
707. guy at the car place honoring our warranty that expired the day before
708. having more time than i thought I did
709. watching a "bride to be" at a bridal shower
710. Peace in the midst of uncertainty
711. whispers of truth
712. new recipe that is a new favorite
713. being invited by a child for her birthday dinner
714. inspirational teacher movies (and the movie marathons that ensue with Brooke)
715. a clean closet whipped into shape!
716. sunbeams
717. early morning runners
718. glow from the nightlight
719. relief from physical pain
720. rain puddles
721. not allowing discouragement to settle in
722. one full week of school under my belt
723. blueberry whole wheat pancakes
724. Sonic Thursday at school
725. child holding the door open for his friends
726. kitty on my lap while my Bible is open in front of me
727. book orders at school
728. butter toffee coffee
729. contented sighs of a baby
730. cute old lady crossing the street for church
731. opening new school supplies
732. cooler weather after extremely hot and record breaking weather
733. peace that passes understanding
734. freshly grated lemon peel
735. new basil plant
736. white tennis shoes and stiff shoe laces on my students
737. a project completed
738. being trusted with a confidence
739. desperate mews of Joey the cat locked outside
740. concerned friends
741. conversation with our pastor
742. how moving furniture transforms a room
743. "dinner to go" on the first day of school
744. mango salsa
745. first day of school flowers from my husband
746. relief of a stomachache
747. feeling rested
748. city skyline at Twilight
749. trying new food from a different culture
750. my students catching onto routine
751. sitting in a plush recliner in a movie theatre (I highly recommend the "Cinema Suites" at the Power and Light district...so much fun!)
752. baby turtles
753. fun date night with my husband
754. listening to Disney soundtracks from days gone by (those days when I used to sing with my "finger microphone")
755. cattails waving in the golden morning glow on the side of the road
756. Nutella on an English muffin for breakfast
757. husband's haircut that he did himself (and it looks great!)
758. kitty lying on a slice of afternoon sun on our bedroom floor
759. reading the newspaper on a Sunday afternoon
760. cooking with my husband
761. listening to opera while eating Italian food
762. flour on my cheek while baking cookies
763. perfect oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (the secret seems to be oatmeal that has been in the food processor til it's fine like flour)
764. new sheets on the bed
765. no wrinkles
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Transformation is like...
an onion. Holy smokes, that is not a pretty analogy. Onions make people cry. They're ordinary. Keep reading...
If you would have asked me 6 weeks ago "Do you want your life to glorify God?" or even "Do you want to be more like Jesus?" I would have definitely and resolutely responded "Yes, of course!" (That's what a good Christian would say, right? Kind of like the "Sunday School" answer thing.) And I thought that I truly did. And I know that there was most certainly much of me that sincerely did. However, after 5 weeks of "intentional discipleship" (AKA: Biblical counseling) with this lady (let's call her Jackie), I realize that I've had a "paradigm shift." ("a radical change in beliefs or theory" according to dictionary.com) The aforementioned "paradigm shift" would be follows: from "me, me, me" to "bringing glory to God." Sounds so simple I know. Six weeks ago, I would have told you I was a generally selfless person. And like I said before, there was definitely some of that fruit in my life.
But I realize that the reason that I wanted to be "more like Jesus" was not to bring glory to Him, but to bring glory to me. To my kingdom. Yuck. As discussed in previous posts, my issues with pride are being revealed to me with an almost disgusting velocity. And yet I'm grateful for these revelations because I know it means the Holy Spirit is hard at work in my heart. But it's a little discouraging (and a lot humbling) to be quite honest. It makes me ask questions like "Well, what have I been doing for the past 18 years in my walk with Jesus?" I like to think that I was sincerely seeking after Him and I think for my "developmental" level, I was. As Jackie encouraged me, through this past 5 weeks, she often compared this continual transformation in becoming more like Jesus as to peeling back layers to an onion.
(The Greek word for biblical “transformation” is metamorphoo, from which we get the English word metamorphosis: i.e., a complete change, such as a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Biblical transformation, then, applies to an individual believer’s progress in sanctification.) http://www.crossroad.to/articles2/05/sarah-leslie/transformation.htm
The first layer would have maybe been that first commitment I made to Jesus on March 21, 1993 (you know me and my dates) and my understanding of what that was at the time. Then Jesus raises the bar. On to occassionally thinking of others and getting into God's Word on a regular basis. Then Jesus raises the bar again. On to learning what being His disciple really means. On to really trusting my life (whatever stage I happen to be in) to Jesus, that He really knows best .And on and on, Jesus keeps "raising the bar" and peeling back yet another layer of the "old man" and getting closer to who He really created me to be. Putting on the "new man." Discarding those old layers that aren't glorifying to Him.
Sin is ugly.That's what pride is- it's sin and it's ugly and in my words to my students "I love you but that's NOT okay." And like rudely being awakened in the middle of the night by a bright light, it's a rude awakening to "wake up" in the middle of your life and have this bright light (Jesus' standard) shone into your life in places you'd rather keep to yourself. But goodness gracious, once I see it, I don't want to go back to the old way.
Another truth that Jackie reminded me of over the past 5 weeks, was that when God looks at me, He looks at me through the "lens of Jesus." What a relief! I don't need to despair! Romans 8:1 is true..."There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." I went through a season in my life in college where I would quote that verse all of the time. And I think I understood it as well as I could at the time. But the reason there is "no condemnation" or anymore judgement on my life, is that the judgement has already happened and I am IN Christ Jesus. The "old man" (or woman, if you will) Megan was judged as deserving death because I couldn't live up to God's law. But praise be to God because His life covers mine now.
I have a new appreciation for onions. True, onions (like "pride") can make me cry at times,but sometimes we need to pull off that painful layer to reveal something better and dare I say, Holy?
If you would have asked me 6 weeks ago "Do you want your life to glorify God?" or even "Do you want to be more like Jesus?" I would have definitely and resolutely responded "Yes, of course!" (That's what a good Christian would say, right? Kind of like the "Sunday School" answer thing.) And I thought that I truly did. And I know that there was most certainly much of me that sincerely did. However, after 5 weeks of "intentional discipleship" (AKA: Biblical counseling) with this lady (let's call her Jackie), I realize that I've had a "paradigm shift." ("a radical change in beliefs or theory" according to dictionary.com) The aforementioned "paradigm shift" would be follows: from "me, me, me" to "bringing glory to God." Sounds so simple I know. Six weeks ago, I would have told you I was a generally selfless person. And like I said before, there was definitely some of that fruit in my life.
But I realize that the reason that I wanted to be "more like Jesus" was not to bring glory to Him, but to bring glory to me. To my kingdom. Yuck. As discussed in previous posts, my issues with pride are being revealed to me with an almost disgusting velocity. And yet I'm grateful for these revelations because I know it means the Holy Spirit is hard at work in my heart. But it's a little discouraging (and a lot humbling) to be quite honest. It makes me ask questions like "Well, what have I been doing for the past 18 years in my walk with Jesus?" I like to think that I was sincerely seeking after Him and I think for my "developmental" level, I was. As Jackie encouraged me, through this past 5 weeks, she often compared this continual transformation in becoming more like Jesus as to peeling back layers to an onion.
(The Greek word for biblical “transformation” is metamorphoo, from which we get the English word metamorphosis: i.e., a complete change, such as a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Biblical transformation, then, applies to an individual believer’s progress in sanctification.) http://www.crossroad.to/articles2/05/sarah-leslie/transformation.htm
The first layer would have maybe been that first commitment I made to Jesus on March 21, 1993 (you know me and my dates) and my understanding of what that was at the time. Then Jesus raises the bar. On to occassionally thinking of others and getting into God's Word on a regular basis. Then Jesus raises the bar again. On to learning what being His disciple really means. On to really trusting my life (whatever stage I happen to be in) to Jesus, that He really knows best .And on and on, Jesus keeps "raising the bar" and peeling back yet another layer of the "old man" and getting closer to who He really created me to be. Putting on the "new man." Discarding those old layers that aren't glorifying to Him.
Sin is ugly.That's what pride is- it's sin and it's ugly and in my words to my students "I love you but that's NOT okay." And like rudely being awakened in the middle of the night by a bright light, it's a rude awakening to "wake up" in the middle of your life and have this bright light (Jesus' standard) shone into your life in places you'd rather keep to yourself. But goodness gracious, once I see it, I don't want to go back to the old way.
Another truth that Jackie reminded me of over the past 5 weeks, was that when God looks at me, He looks at me through the "lens of Jesus." What a relief! I don't need to despair! Romans 8:1 is true..."There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus." I went through a season in my life in college where I would quote that verse all of the time. And I think I understood it as well as I could at the time. But the reason there is "no condemnation" or anymore judgement on my life, is that the judgement has already happened and I am IN Christ Jesus. The "old man" (or woman, if you will) Megan was judged as deserving death because I couldn't live up to God's law. But praise be to God because His life covers mine now.
I have a new appreciation for onions. True, onions (like "pride") can make me cry at times,but sometimes we need to pull off that painful layer to reveal something better and dare I say, Holy?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
when I want someone else's life...
I'm so glad that God doesn't tire of me. His Father's heart makes it impossible. I know I get exhausted listening to my inner dialogue:
"I can't wait for ..."
"My life will be good when..."
"When____ happens, I will be content."
This is why I do the "gratitude list." Looking for the "endless gifts" that my Savior has blessed me with in everyday, nitty gritty, sometimes up, and sometimes down life. This is what I heard from the Spirit yesterday when I was having yet another "I want that person's life!" moment:
"I am the Standard, Megan. I am the 'measuring stick.' Compare yourself to me. Someone will always have what you consider a better job, better place to live, better body, better lifestyle, etc... (and someone will always have what you consider worse than you too...so help them!). "
This probably never happens to you, but I often find myself in a downward spiral after being on Facebook for an extended period of time (which is why I try to keep it short). I start seeing pictures of people's lives and wishing I were them...in an unhealthy way sometimes. I want their house, their kids, their location, their job (or lack of a job so I can stay home with the imaginary children I have:)...I do have to say I never want anyone else's husband:) I can very emphatically say that!
Anyway, I realized yesterday this is one more reason why I"m specifically looking for things to be thankful for...to notice God's active Grace in my life. You're probably like me and you can much more easily see where God is working in others' life...so much more than your own. The ironic thing is that yesterday morning I was asking God to help me "see the big picture" as I was half grumbling, half praying on my drive to school.
My new motto for when I get in this downward, ungrateful, discontent spiral towards the "greener grass on the other side": "It's only true if I agree with those thoughts." I can discard them. Put on new thoughts. That's what Paul was saying in Ephesians 4:20-24
"20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (emphasis mine)
So after that little intro, here's my "gratitude list"...with renewed vigor I might add!
541. getting splashed when sitting on the edge of the pool (the kid that splashed me achieved his first cannon ball...cute!)
542. a mom and her son playing "Go Fish" on the train
543. bandaids on knobby knee
544. friends who save us money
545. small town train depots
546. neat rows of farmland
547. small Missouri towns
548. cold aloe vera on a sun burn
549. not worrying about the price (Let's just say when Bob told me this at dinner on Saturday night, I didn't know the price and mine ended up being 3 times as much as his. He will definitely never let me live it down. )
550. view from the 40th floor
551. friendly waiters and waitresses who almost seem like old friends
552. fans in a hot room
553. people who go above and beyond
554. old and artful buildings
555. hearing different accents when people talk
556.public transportation
557. people who explain things in terms I can understand
558. clean towels
559. honest children
560.smell of sunscreen
561. a "stolen kiss" on the elevator
562. fun finds at Pier 1
563. six hours with nothing to do but play card games, drink coke, read, nap, and talk about random things
"I can't wait for ..."
"My life will be good when..."
"When____ happens, I will be content."
This is why I do the "gratitude list." Looking for the "endless gifts" that my Savior has blessed me with in everyday, nitty gritty, sometimes up, and sometimes down life. This is what I heard from the Spirit yesterday when I was having yet another "I want that person's life!" moment:
"I am the Standard, Megan. I am the 'measuring stick.' Compare yourself to me. Someone will always have what you consider a better job, better place to live, better body, better lifestyle, etc... (and someone will always have what you consider worse than you too...so help them!). "
This probably never happens to you, but I often find myself in a downward spiral after being on Facebook for an extended period of time (which is why I try to keep it short). I start seeing pictures of people's lives and wishing I were them...in an unhealthy way sometimes. I want their house, their kids, their location, their job (or lack of a job so I can stay home with the imaginary children I have:)...I do have to say I never want anyone else's husband:) I can very emphatically say that!
Anyway, I realized yesterday this is one more reason why I"m specifically looking for things to be thankful for...to notice God's active Grace in my life. You're probably like me and you can much more easily see where God is working in others' life...so much more than your own. The ironic thing is that yesterday morning I was asking God to help me "see the big picture" as I was half grumbling, half praying on my drive to school.
My new motto for when I get in this downward, ungrateful, discontent spiral towards the "greener grass on the other side": "It's only true if I agree with those thoughts." I can discard them. Put on new thoughts. That's what Paul was saying in Ephesians 4:20-24
"20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." (emphasis mine)
So after that little intro, here's my "gratitude list"...with renewed vigor I might add!
541. getting splashed when sitting on the edge of the pool (the kid that splashed me achieved his first cannon ball...cute!)
542. a mom and her son playing "Go Fish" on the train
543. bandaids on knobby knee
544. friends who save us money
545. small town train depots
546. neat rows of farmland
547. small Missouri towns548. cold aloe vera on a sun burn
549. not worrying about the price (Let's just say when Bob told me this at dinner on Saturday night, I didn't know the price and mine ended up being 3 times as much as his. He will definitely never let me live it down. )
550. view from the 40th floor
551. friendly waiters and waitresses who almost seem like old friends
552. fans in a hot room
553. people who go above and beyond
554. old and artful buildings
555. hearing different accents when people talk556.public transportation
557. people who explain things in terms I can understand
558. clean towels
559. honest children
560.smell of sunscreen
561. a "stolen kiss" on the elevator
562. fun finds at Pier 1
563. six hours with nothing to do but play card games, drink coke, read, nap, and talk about random things
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Confessions of an "Approval Junkie"
Warning: This post is hard for me. But I feel the fact that I don't want to write it, means I need to.
Pride used to be one of those things that I thought didn't apply to me. "Oh, that applies to people who 'toot their own horn.' " But pride is a sneaky thing. It's one of those "private sins" that we can easily try to disguise as something else...like being over-sensitive, a hard worker, or being kind to others (all ways that my pride hides itself) We can "sweep it under the rug" so to speak, or we might see a glimpse of it but deny we saw that flash of truth.
"You see, the sin of pride, which is at the heart of being a people-pleaser, is an insidious thing. Like a cataract that slowly covers the eye of its victim, pride keeps us from seeing our sins, thus preventing us from properly dealing with them." Lou Priolo
My pride masquerades itself as being an "approval junkie." (also: see "people pleaser" or "codependency") As the author above discusses in his book Pleasing People: How Not to be An 'Approval Junkie', there are plenty of appropriate times and situations in which to please people: God, husband, family, boss, friends and laying one's life down for another as Christ teaches us. However, as with most sins, "people pleasing" takes it a step further and twists this pleasing of people into a state that is not as healthy. And BOOM! Sin. It wasn't until about 3 years ago (this guy named Bob that I was emailing had mentioned I should read this book...) that I came to the realization that "people pleasing" was in fact a sin. I think I always thought of it as "Oh, but I can't help it. This is just how I am." I thought of it more as a liability and something I couldn't help. But then after really looking at some of the Scripture that the above author presents, I was convinced by the Spirit about this thing called "people pleasing."
And more recently, I've started to really connect the dots how pride is the root cause of this "pleasing people" in excess. I want to be seen a certain way. I have an "image" to uphold. I fear rejection like some people fear going to the dentist and having teeth pulled. I hate being confronted about things-I become depressed that I failed at something. I have to read between the lines here. What I'm really saying is the following: "You're better than that. It's impossible for you to make mistakes. You live by a higher standard than that. You're not like most people." When you put it that way, I see the pride. It doesn't help that I am also a "recovering perfectionist." It is my opinion that most people who are people pleasers are also "perfectionists" (or as my friend Brooke puts it, a "frustrated perfectionist"...which I guess most perfectionists are frustrated as being perfect is impossible and they're caught in this vicious cycle)
So I ask myself, why am I this way? Pride has become this idol in my life. Idol!( I see visions of the Old Testament, golden calves, and the Israelites making yet another choice to worship idols. I also see visions of little figurines for some reason...weird, I know) Yes, an idol. As Lou Priolo says about idolatry- "Looking to to someone (or something) else to do for me those things that only God can do" Pride can often become that one thing that I cling to to make my life "work."
Pride has really been giving me a "run for my money" these past couple of weeks. I don't think I have ever hated pride like this before. I'm seeing how ugly it is. I want to rip out the entire root and all of the dirt surrounding it in a 5 mile radius. And my pride "root" and the "people pleasing" vine are so entangled and wrapped up with each other, that it's so hard to tell one from another. Which came first? The chicken or the egg (the pride or people pleasing) ?
Good news...I need good news here. I'm a little bit depressed about my current situation. I realize I'm caught in a cycle of sin and disappointment. Is there any hope?? Yes, certainly! The Apostle Paul says in Romans 7 (Message)
" 24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."
Not meaning to be super simplistic, but Jesus and how he defeated every kind of sin imaginable on the Cross is the answer. I am not controlled by sin anymore. I can make the choice to let that pride dig it's roots deeper in the soil of my heart or allow the vine of "people pleasing" to tighten it's hold around my heart a little more. Or I can embrace the freedom that Christ has made mine. And today I choose that one. I choose to rest in Him. I choose freedom and life.
By His grace I will do the same the day after that. And the day after that.
"5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God." Romans 8:5-8
Pride used to be one of those things that I thought didn't apply to me. "Oh, that applies to people who 'toot their own horn.' " But pride is a sneaky thing. It's one of those "private sins" that we can easily try to disguise as something else...like being over-sensitive, a hard worker, or being kind to others (all ways that my pride hides itself) We can "sweep it under the rug" so to speak, or we might see a glimpse of it but deny we saw that flash of truth.
"You see, the sin of pride, which is at the heart of being a people-pleaser, is an insidious thing. Like a cataract that slowly covers the eye of its victim, pride keeps us from seeing our sins, thus preventing us from properly dealing with them." Lou Priolo
My pride masquerades itself as being an "approval junkie." (also: see "people pleaser" or "codependency") As the author above discusses in his book Pleasing People: How Not to be An 'Approval Junkie', there are plenty of appropriate times and situations in which to please people: God, husband, family, boss, friends and laying one's life down for another as Christ teaches us. However, as with most sins, "people pleasing" takes it a step further and twists this pleasing of people into a state that is not as healthy. And BOOM! Sin. It wasn't until about 3 years ago (this guy named Bob that I was emailing had mentioned I should read this book...) that I came to the realization that "people pleasing" was in fact a sin. I think I always thought of it as "Oh, but I can't help it. This is just how I am." I thought of it more as a liability and something I couldn't help. But then after really looking at some of the Scripture that the above author presents, I was convinced by the Spirit about this thing called "people pleasing."
And more recently, I've started to really connect the dots how pride is the root cause of this "pleasing people" in excess. I want to be seen a certain way. I have an "image" to uphold. I fear rejection like some people fear going to the dentist and having teeth pulled. I hate being confronted about things-I become depressed that I failed at something. I have to read between the lines here. What I'm really saying is the following: "You're better than that. It's impossible for you to make mistakes. You live by a higher standard than that. You're not like most people." When you put it that way, I see the pride. It doesn't help that I am also a "recovering perfectionist." It is my opinion that most people who are people pleasers are also "perfectionists" (or as my friend Brooke puts it, a "frustrated perfectionist"...which I guess most perfectionists are frustrated as being perfect is impossible and they're caught in this vicious cycle)
So I ask myself, why am I this way? Pride has become this idol in my life. Idol!( I see visions of the Old Testament, golden calves, and the Israelites making yet another choice to worship idols. I also see visions of little figurines for some reason...weird, I know) Yes, an idol. As Lou Priolo says about idolatry- "Looking to to someone (or something) else to do for me those things that only God can do" Pride can often become that one thing that I cling to to make my life "work."
Pride has really been giving me a "run for my money" these past couple of weeks. I don't think I have ever hated pride like this before. I'm seeing how ugly it is. I want to rip out the entire root and all of the dirt surrounding it in a 5 mile radius. And my pride "root" and the "people pleasing" vine are so entangled and wrapped up with each other, that it's so hard to tell one from another. Which came first? The chicken or the egg (the pride or people pleasing) ?
Good news...I need good news here. I'm a little bit depressed about my current situation. I realize I'm caught in a cycle of sin and disappointment. Is there any hope?? Yes, certainly! The Apostle Paul says in Romans 7 (Message)
" 24I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
25The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."
Not meaning to be super simplistic, but Jesus and how he defeated every kind of sin imaginable on the Cross is the answer. I am not controlled by sin anymore. I can make the choice to let that pride dig it's roots deeper in the soil of my heart or allow the vine of "people pleasing" to tighten it's hold around my heart a little more. Or I can embrace the freedom that Christ has made mine. And today I choose that one. I choose to rest in Him. I choose freedom and life.
By His grace I will do the same the day after that. And the day after that.
"5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. 8 Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God." Romans 8:5-8
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Lessons from the Pit...
my "love pit" that is. He continues hands down to be the most energy sapping student I've ever had (I'd like to hope that i will ever have but i know that would be wishful thinking).
If I received a dollar for every time he argued with me or threw a fit about something, I would be able to stop teaching and start a non-profit organization (I might call it "Coalition Against Arguing Children). Or maybe I would be less altruistic and buy fun things .But either way...
However much this child amazes me with the new levels of "ridiculousness" he achieves, one thing is for sure: God is making good on His promise to work all things good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I have learned more about God's character, grace, and love for me through this one child than I have through any other child in the past 7 years.
Yesterday we were talking and he was mad at me about something. He said something like "If I were the teacher, I would be nice." Instead of getting mad and wanting to foolishly defend myself to a very unreasonable 6 year old, I felt the Spirit calm me and what came out of my mouth was something like "Well sometimes good teachers need to say 'no' and have rules." The bottom line with him is this: He doesn't think I have the best in mind for him. He thinks I want to keep good things from him. Even after 8 months of being (sometimes patient) with him, he still thinks I am against him.
Here's the realization that came to me this week (rather the Spirit brought to me) as i was getting ready for school one morning. I was talking with Bob about our recent small group study at church on Romans 12 (with Chip Ingram...I highly recommend it!) and discussing what I'd concluded about surrendering to God. We can try to keep so many parts of our lives from Him...and we think we're helping ourselves. "You can take this...but not this. I want the control here because I know best God. It's not like you created the world or planned salvation or anything like that." What feels like loss and letting go feels like death to us when really it's LIFE at it's fullest. I've been trying to argue with God about what is best (maybe not argue...just having a lot of thoughts float around in my head, asking a lot of hard questions, and saying things like "But I don't see how this can't be part of your plan for me right now". Please don't get me wrong, I'm all about processing things with God and having doubts and know He's big enough for that, however it seems to have become a theme lately and I'm sure how good that is. Job 38 is the ultimate "put you in your place" passage for sure.)
I really think the root of it is this: I don't think he has the best in mind for me. I keep thinking he wants to keep his best from me. When nothing could be farther from the truth. Even after 18 years of walking with the Lord, I still doubt His love for me. I still doubt that he's the most loving parent there ever was. I still forget the paradox that not always getting what you want is often the most loving thing. I still am very near sighted as far as my spiritual vision is concerned. I barely look past my own life. Nobody wants better for me than Him.
BAM! "Maybe you and the love pit have more in common than you think." Yikes, Lord!
" 1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. " (Romans 12:1)
I don't offer my life as a sacrifice and surrender to him to repay him for what he's done...I do it "in view of God's mercy"...it's my response to His goodness and what he's done.
And the really funny thing about it is that He knows I'm not going to get it right and I know I'm not always going to get it right. (this is another way of His grace I know) But surrendering the things that I think are best is the only way I'm going to know Him fully and have the kind of Kingdom life that He promises.
"Sometimes a good God needs to say no and give you something better instead."
So I will just do what I remember doing when I was little after crying myself silly about something (most likely not getting my way about something)....after the hiccups leave, just get up, heave a sigh, and say "Okay, okay."
Eventually, my love pit did what I asked (I often say to him "Can you do it---follow directions--even though it's hard?") I don't know if he finally "saw the light" and understood I really was on his side and wanted the best for him (I highly doubt this) or if he just knew that was the quickest way to move on with his day. But I do know that God is using this precious little guy to teach me in a practical way how this sometimes whiny, "all knowing" Child of His is so in need of Him. And to get up once again, heave a sigh, and say "Okay, okay. You get the big picture and I don't. You love me beyond what I will ever understand and you make good on your promises. I can trust You (even when it's hard.)"
If I received a dollar for every time he argued with me or threw a fit about something, I would be able to stop teaching and start a non-profit organization (I might call it "Coalition Against Arguing Children). Or maybe I would be less altruistic and buy fun things .But either way...
However much this child amazes me with the new levels of "ridiculousness" he achieves, one thing is for sure: God is making good on His promise to work all things good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28). I have learned more about God's character, grace, and love for me through this one child than I have through any other child in the past 7 years.
Yesterday we were talking and he was mad at me about something. He said something like "If I were the teacher, I would be nice." Instead of getting mad and wanting to foolishly defend myself to a very unreasonable 6 year old, I felt the Spirit calm me and what came out of my mouth was something like "Well sometimes good teachers need to say 'no' and have rules." The bottom line with him is this: He doesn't think I have the best in mind for him. He thinks I want to keep good things from him. Even after 8 months of being (sometimes patient) with him, he still thinks I am against him.
Here's the realization that came to me this week (rather the Spirit brought to me) as i was getting ready for school one morning. I was talking with Bob about our recent small group study at church on Romans 12 (with Chip Ingram...I highly recommend it!) and discussing what I'd concluded about surrendering to God. We can try to keep so many parts of our lives from Him...and we think we're helping ourselves. "You can take this...but not this. I want the control here because I know best God. It's not like you created the world or planned salvation or anything like that." What feels like loss and letting go feels like death to us when really it's LIFE at it's fullest. I've been trying to argue with God about what is best (maybe not argue...just having a lot of thoughts float around in my head, asking a lot of hard questions, and saying things like "But I don't see how this can't be part of your plan for me right now". Please don't get me wrong, I'm all about processing things with God and having doubts and know He's big enough for that, however it seems to have become a theme lately and I'm sure how good that is. Job 38 is the ultimate "put you in your place" passage for sure.)
I really think the root of it is this: I don't think he has the best in mind for me. I keep thinking he wants to keep his best from me. When nothing could be farther from the truth. Even after 18 years of walking with the Lord, I still doubt His love for me. I still doubt that he's the most loving parent there ever was. I still forget the paradox that not always getting what you want is often the most loving thing. I still am very near sighted as far as my spiritual vision is concerned. I barely look past my own life. Nobody wants better for me than Him.
BAM! "Maybe you and the love pit have more in common than you think." Yikes, Lord!
" 1 Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. " (Romans 12:1)
I don't offer my life as a sacrifice and surrender to him to repay him for what he's done...I do it "in view of God's mercy"...it's my response to His goodness and what he's done.
And the really funny thing about it is that He knows I'm not going to get it right and I know I'm not always going to get it right. (this is another way of His grace I know) But surrendering the things that I think are best is the only way I'm going to know Him fully and have the kind of Kingdom life that He promises.
"Sometimes a good God needs to say no and give you something better instead."
So I will just do what I remember doing when I was little after crying myself silly about something (most likely not getting my way about something)....after the hiccups leave, just get up, heave a sigh, and say "Okay, okay."
Eventually, my love pit did what I asked (I often say to him "Can you do it---follow directions--even though it's hard?") I don't know if he finally "saw the light" and understood I really was on his side and wanted the best for him (I highly doubt this) or if he just knew that was the quickest way to move on with his day. But I do know that God is using this precious little guy to teach me in a practical way how this sometimes whiny, "all knowing" Child of His is so in need of Him. And to get up once again, heave a sigh, and say "Okay, okay. You get the big picture and I don't. You love me beyond what I will ever understand and you make good on your promises. I can trust You (even when it's hard.)"
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
spring cleaning in my soul
So I was talking with my husband while making dinner one night about 3 weeks ago (I think it was Lent actually) and I was saying how I wanted to break out of my tradition of not really doing anything specific for Lent and "really take action" (not just "giving something up"...but really growing closer to God during the 40 days...if giving up something and doing something new was what it took, I said I would do that too.) I had read a few awesome blogs about it (a holy experience by my favorite Ann and Rachel Held Evans) and I was inspired...but didn't know what to do. ("A lot less talk and a lot more action" as one country song says )Bob suggested giving up Facebook. I didn't like that idea and said something like "But it's how i keep up with people." (it was in a borderline whiny voice... similar to that of my "love pit" at school). And I knew deep down that he was on to something.
I didn't want to admit that if can often keep us (Bob and me) from having meaningful conversation because I'm trying to "keep up with everyone else."
I didn't want to acknowledge that it kept me from a deeper relationship with God.
I didn't want to admit that it kept me from the "better things" in life. (1 corinthians 10:23...."permissable but not beneficial")
I didn't want to admit that it had a hold on me. A hold that was taking a bigger place than it should.
Not to mention all of the blogs I keep up with on a daily basis.
A few days after that I was sick and on the couch, catching up on a Bible study I've been working on (It probably says something that I had to be sick to play catch up on my Bible Study. It's Experiencing God...I highly recommend it-this is my second time through). And it was about obedience and how God may not give us new things to be obedient to if we're not obedient to the things we know are already right (ten commandments...I can never get the Sabbath one right, loving neighbor as myself, forgiveness, etc...) And the week before was about how following Christ is costly...to ourselves and those close to us. (Really in all fairness, giving up social media is really not a cost compared to the suffering and sacrifices others make for Jesus everyday. That I would be more like that!)
Yikes! Holy Spirit, why do you have to do that? (The better to make you like Jesus, my dear)
So I decided then on my couch a few days after Lent had started I needed to eliminate facebook for a while. About 40 days maybe. (If you know me, you know I'm so "all or nothing." It bothered me that a few days had already passed and that I would only be doing it for 37 days instead of 40...but I figured that reason didn't hold any water and obedience was obedience so I would be okay with 37 days).
I got to thinking about it a little more and realized how much time reading blogs takes up my time too. I realize that the solution is not always cutting out things...many times "less is more." But I decided for now to do a lot less. A lot less mental clutter (speaking of...read something on Sara Groves blog about this...I'm ridiculous...I need a footnote section for my blogs). So I came to the somewhat painful realization that I probably needed to read a lot less online in general. Not completely...I still read Ann Voskamp everyday, but that's mostly all I've done the last few weeks. (Just in case you're wondering, I don't worship her or anything. My husband says he thinks I'm in an online cult. I think he's joking. But really, what she says is Christ centered and straight from His Word, so I could be accused of worse)
Let me tell you...the simplicity is nice. It feels like spring cleaning in my soul. Things are arranged and neat again. As my friend Dawn says "You know me and my need for 90 degree angles." The windows are shining. The room of my soul is starting to smell like windex and bleach (okay, maybe not exactly...but you get the idea).
I'm sure when Easter and the celebration that it is comes and goes, I will do a little more blog reading. And interact with facebook a little more. But for now, the break is welcome.
I didn't want to admit that if can often keep us (Bob and me) from having meaningful conversation because I'm trying to "keep up with everyone else."
I didn't want to acknowledge that it kept me from a deeper relationship with God.
I didn't want to admit that it kept me from the "better things" in life. (1 corinthians 10:23...."permissable but not beneficial")
I didn't want to admit that it had a hold on me. A hold that was taking a bigger place than it should.
Not to mention all of the blogs I keep up with on a daily basis.
A few days after that I was sick and on the couch, catching up on a Bible study I've been working on (It probably says something that I had to be sick to play catch up on my Bible Study. It's Experiencing God...I highly recommend it-this is my second time through). And it was about obedience and how God may not give us new things to be obedient to if we're not obedient to the things we know are already right (ten commandments...I can never get the Sabbath one right, loving neighbor as myself, forgiveness, etc...) And the week before was about how following Christ is costly...to ourselves and those close to us. (Really in all fairness, giving up social media is really not a cost compared to the suffering and sacrifices others make for Jesus everyday. That I would be more like that!)
Yikes! Holy Spirit, why do you have to do that? (The better to make you like Jesus, my dear)
So I decided then on my couch a few days after Lent had started I needed to eliminate facebook for a while. About 40 days maybe. (If you know me, you know I'm so "all or nothing." It bothered me that a few days had already passed and that I would only be doing it for 37 days instead of 40...but I figured that reason didn't hold any water and obedience was obedience so I would be okay with 37 days).
I got to thinking about it a little more and realized how much time reading blogs takes up my time too. I realize that the solution is not always cutting out things...many times "less is more." But I decided for now to do a lot less. A lot less mental clutter (speaking of...read something on Sara Groves blog about this...I'm ridiculous...I need a footnote section for my blogs). So I came to the somewhat painful realization that I probably needed to read a lot less online in general. Not completely...I still read Ann Voskamp everyday, but that's mostly all I've done the last few weeks. (Just in case you're wondering, I don't worship her or anything. My husband says he thinks I'm in an online cult. I think he's joking. But really, what she says is Christ centered and straight from His Word, so I could be accused of worse)
Let me tell you...the simplicity is nice. It feels like spring cleaning in my soul. Things are arranged and neat again. As my friend Dawn says "You know me and my need for 90 degree angles." The windows are shining. The room of my soul is starting to smell like windex and bleach (okay, maybe not exactly...but you get the idea).
I'm sure when Easter and the celebration that it is comes and goes, I will do a little more blog reading. And interact with facebook a little more. But for now, the break is welcome.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Time: Nemesis or a Gift?
I've concluded that time is my nemesis. I looked it up and it fits me and my relationship with time to a T: "Something a person cannot conquer or achieve" or "an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best or overcome." No matter what I do...I feel like I'm always checking my watch or wishing I had left 10 minutes sooner or setting another clock ahead 5 minutes in an attempt to be "on time." Story of my life. If I had a dollar for every time I've set a clock forward 5 minutes so I could be on time, I could quit my job and start a non-profit organization. (see: exaggeration) But really, this happens a lot.
But really, where did this obsession with time come from? I feel if I could purchase an extra hour in the day, I would seriously consider it. But why...so I can accomplish more? So I can work even harder? So I can enjoy life more? I'm sure if my time increased my "to-do" list would as well.
This is eerily beginning to sound like the book of Ecclesiastes....maybe I will turn there for wisdom. (Before breaking out into "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds...my dad would be proud!)
This stands out to me...
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can’t find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end" (3:11) I will not even pretend to really get the second part of that verse (I was tempted to just add an ellipses there after "hearts," but thought better. I know that the Bible is best read in context. And even a verse quoted is often sorely out of context. )
And then there's the oft quoted Ecclesiastes vs. 1-8 which begins with "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."
Time for me is a performance and a "recovering perfectionist" issue (some days I'm more recovering than others...some days I go on a "perfectionist binge" and then I think "What am I doing? This is not okay and not what I was made for." ) Time for me (in my flesh) is a chance to prove just how efficient, organized, and sadly, sometimes "Super Christian" I really can be.
What if that's not what time is really about? What is time isn't about how many things I can cross of my list or how many projects I can fit in or how far I can get in a given amount of time? What if time is really just a grace gift? We're not guaranteed any certain amount of time on Earth (although I do know my time has no limits in heaven...can't quite wrap my brain around that one)
It's funny...on my snow days(and the blessed summer time) from school-you know, when time seems frozen (pardon the pun), time and I get along so much better. Time and I are not enemies anymore...we're more like acquaintances or even neighbors who exchange recipes. I have time to turn around. And time to pee without worrying if I'll be late to pick up my kids from music. I say to myself at times that a "murphy's law" principle of time would be: "I'll use up whatever time I've given." And it's true. Whether i get up at 4:30 or 5:00 on a school day, I never look around looking for something to do as I get ready for my day-for that moment at 8:37 each morning when 20 little faces speed down the hallways (similar to the "running of the bulls in Spain" I'm convinced) whether I'm ready or not. Without even realizing it, I am subconsciously making decisions about what is important and what is not as important in order to "use my time wisely."
I look again at Ecclesiastes 3 vs. 1-8 and it seems that "a time (to keep and a time to lose)" is speaking more in terms of seasonally in one's life. Not in a mathematical time sort of way ("you have 3 years, 5 months, and 2 days to keep this." )
I guess time really is a grace gift. We don't really know how much it's going to be or how long a certain season will last. And maybe the setting forward of my clocks so I'm not late places is a way I'm trying to cheat time. I guess I need to stop looking at time like an enemy to cheat or conquer, but a gift to receive.
But really, where did this obsession with time come from? I feel if I could purchase an extra hour in the day, I would seriously consider it. But why...so I can accomplish more? So I can work even harder? So I can enjoy life more? I'm sure if my time increased my "to-do" list would as well.
This is eerily beginning to sound like the book of Ecclesiastes....maybe I will turn there for wisdom. (Before breaking out into "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds...my dad would be proud!)
This stands out to me...
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in their hearts, yet so that man can’t find out the work that God has done from the beginning even to the end" (3:11) I will not even pretend to really get the second part of that verse (I was tempted to just add an ellipses there after "hearts," but thought better. I know that the Bible is best read in context. And even a verse quoted is often sorely out of context. )
And then there's the oft quoted Ecclesiastes vs. 1-8 which begins with "For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven."
Time for me is a performance and a "recovering perfectionist" issue (some days I'm more recovering than others...some days I go on a "perfectionist binge" and then I think "What am I doing? This is not okay and not what I was made for." ) Time for me (in my flesh) is a chance to prove just how efficient, organized, and sadly, sometimes "Super Christian" I really can be.
What if that's not what time is really about? What is time isn't about how many things I can cross of my list or how many projects I can fit in or how far I can get in a given amount of time? What if time is really just a grace gift? We're not guaranteed any certain amount of time on Earth (although I do know my time has no limits in heaven...can't quite wrap my brain around that one)
It's funny...on my snow days(and the blessed summer time) from school-you know, when time seems frozen (pardon the pun), time and I get along so much better. Time and I are not enemies anymore...we're more like acquaintances or even neighbors who exchange recipes. I have time to turn around. And time to pee without worrying if I'll be late to pick up my kids from music. I say to myself at times that a "murphy's law" principle of time would be: "I'll use up whatever time I've given." And it's true. Whether i get up at 4:30 or 5:00 on a school day, I never look around looking for something to do as I get ready for my day-for that moment at 8:37 each morning when 20 little faces speed down the hallways (similar to the "running of the bulls in Spain" I'm convinced) whether I'm ready or not. Without even realizing it, I am subconsciously making decisions about what is important and what is not as important in order to "use my time wisely."
I look again at Ecclesiastes 3 vs. 1-8 and it seems that "a time (to keep and a time to lose)" is speaking more in terms of seasonally in one's life. Not in a mathematical time sort of way ("you have 3 years, 5 months, and 2 days to keep this." )
I guess time really is a grace gift. We don't really know how much it's going to be or how long a certain season will last. And maybe the setting forward of my clocks so I'm not late places is a way I'm trying to cheat time. I guess I need to stop looking at time like an enemy to cheat or conquer, but a gift to receive.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
not the enemy
So I find myself in the middle of a situation involving a person that is extremely frustrating. It is one where it has cost me some and my flesh doesn't like that so much. But really on the grand scale, nothing life altering. Nothing that won't transform me to make me more like Jesus. But I grumble about it. And I have a bad taste in my mouth about the whole thing. And if I could just fast forward, like Adam Sandler's character does on "Click," I would be fine with that. Maybe it's just the whole February Funk that I'm in. I'm convinced it's the "armpit of the year" ...especially when there is no spring break to look forward to. (I quote my favorite singing teacher lady in her song about the school year "February Teacher Blues")
But back to the whole situation...Bob said just the right thing the other night that was kind of like a punch in the stomach. But he said it in the loving way that he says things like that..."You know...that person isn't the enemy." Ahh! He's so right. But I've been making this person out to be the enemy. God's Word does say "the battle isn't against flesh and blood" but the Enemy wants me to think it is. And wants to grow that little seed of distrust and dislike and frustration into something very not Christ-like. So I say it again-my battle isn't against flesh and blood. My battle isn't against people. My battle is against the Enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy. He wants to steal my joy, kill the grace that is growing like a fragile shoot, and destroy the relationship. I don't like to give Satan more credit than he's due...but I also wouldn't "put it past him" to work in that way.
But back to the whole situation...Bob said just the right thing the other night that was kind of like a punch in the stomach. But he said it in the loving way that he says things like that..."You know...that person isn't the enemy." Ahh! He's so right. But I've been making this person out to be the enemy. God's Word does say "the battle isn't against flesh and blood" but the Enemy wants me to think it is. And wants to grow that little seed of distrust and dislike and frustration into something very not Christ-like. So I say it again-my battle isn't against flesh and blood. My battle isn't against people. My battle is against the Enemy who wants to steal, kill, and destroy. He wants to steal my joy, kill the grace that is growing like a fragile shoot, and destroy the relationship. I don't like to give Satan more credit than he's due...but I also wouldn't "put it past him" to work in that way.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Grace whispers
So today was not the best of days at school for me. A lot of really little pesky things that my flesh didn't like...just kind of mixed together to make one large batch of "Grumpy Mrs. G." I didn't feel in control about a lot of things. Parents blatantly ignoring my requests.(I don't care what color the icing is on the birthday cupcakes...no cupcakes means please no cupcakes...if you want to supervise 20 five and six year olds with the cupcakes for 20 minutes, armed with wet wipes while I leave the room for a little bit, be my guest. Seriously.) My students have been acting like crazy people...but really, can I blame them when we went to school what seemed hardly any this last month? My "love pit" has now been replaced by an "energy pit." This other student just sucks the life right out of me. One of my students touched another student's "pee pee" during center time.(2 more phone calls I get to make tonight to talk to two sets of parents) Other people's actions that I interpret as inconsiderate...when really, they probably just don't know better. Hardly had time to pee. No plan time today because I had a meeting. But nothing life-altering happened. My words that I often say to others "If that's the worse thing that happens today, it will be a good day" come to haunt me at moments like this. And that's a healthy dose of perspective for you.
But as I was driving home I was thinking about an exchange with one of my students today that made me smile and wince internally all at the same time. It will most likely be on my thankful list next week. I know she doesn't have a lot at home and she's the youngest of 3 sisters. She's the kind of little girl I just want to take home with me...she seems neglected at times. Anyway, she mentioned to me during indoor recess (when I had 40 kids in my room) "Hey Mrs. G, do you have any extra valentines?...I don't think my mom will get me any." I retrieved her a box from my closet (there were at least 30 boxes in there...they were there when I went through the closet 2.5 years ago. I kept them because I figured I would feel badly throwing them out. Anyone else want some? Come and get yours too) You would have thought I gave her tickets to a Justin Beiber concert. She thanked me no less than 5 times this afternoon and gave me a hug each time. The thing is...she's one of those students whom I love (I say I love all my students but some of them are easier to like than others)...but who gets under my skin really easily. And I know she's there to chip away at some of those rough edges I have ... impatience, pride, need for control...you name it, I probably have a need to get rid of it. I know it sounds so ugly, but she can really annoy me at times even though she's extremely precious. And I hate admitting that. But it's true and I try to be truthful on here. I'm sure you've figured out why this entire exchange made me smile...maybe you're starting to see why it made me wince too. She loves me with such loving abandon...and I get annoyed that I have to tell her 5 times in 20 minutes to sit "criss cross applesauce" so others can see behind her. She loves me with no strings attached...and I get annoyed that she's off task once again. I guess she was rubbing off another one of those rough edges I have...thank you Jesus for putting that sweet little girl in my class. I'm sorry for being so "me" focused. I get so impatient with this whole "transformation process" thing. I just want to snap my fingers and be Christ-like yesterday. I get weary from this nagging humanity. But then I hear a whisper...it's Grace I know. That His love for me is not dependent on my actions. And that it takes time to change from building "my kingdom" to building "His kingdom." And His Holy Spirit resides in me to take note of when change or action in needed.
"...being strengthened by all power, according to His glorious might, so that you may have great patience and endurance, giving thanks joyfully to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance with his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1:11-12 (my verses I'm memorizing this week...the plan is to memorize the book this year...never say never)
So thank you Jesus for whispering Grace to me when I needed it. I guess that's the beauty of memorizing His Word...it comes to mind or becomes almost natural after while (not that walking in the Light is ever really natural).
But as I was driving home I was thinking about an exchange with one of my students today that made me smile and wince internally all at the same time. It will most likely be on my thankful list next week. I know she doesn't have a lot at home and she's the youngest of 3 sisters. She's the kind of little girl I just want to take home with me...she seems neglected at times. Anyway, she mentioned to me during indoor recess (when I had 40 kids in my room) "Hey Mrs. G, do you have any extra valentines?...I don't think my mom will get me any." I retrieved her a box from my closet (there were at least 30 boxes in there...they were there when I went through the closet 2.5 years ago. I kept them because I figured I would feel badly throwing them out. Anyone else want some? Come and get yours too) You would have thought I gave her tickets to a Justin Beiber concert. She thanked me no less than 5 times this afternoon and gave me a hug each time. The thing is...she's one of those students whom I love (I say I love all my students but some of them are easier to like than others)...but who gets under my skin really easily. And I know she's there to chip away at some of those rough edges I have ... impatience, pride, need for control...you name it, I probably have a need to get rid of it. I know it sounds so ugly, but she can really annoy me at times even though she's extremely precious. And I hate admitting that. But it's true and I try to be truthful on here. I'm sure you've figured out why this entire exchange made me smile...maybe you're starting to see why it made me wince too. She loves me with such loving abandon...and I get annoyed that I have to tell her 5 times in 20 minutes to sit "criss cross applesauce" so others can see behind her. She loves me with no strings attached...and I get annoyed that she's off task once again. I guess she was rubbing off another one of those rough edges I have...thank you Jesus for putting that sweet little girl in my class. I'm sorry for being so "me" focused. I get so impatient with this whole "transformation process" thing. I just want to snap my fingers and be Christ-like yesterday. I get weary from this nagging humanity. But then I hear a whisper...it's Grace I know. That His love for me is not dependent on my actions. And that it takes time to change from building "my kingdom" to building "His kingdom." And His Holy Spirit resides in me to take note of when change or action in needed.
"...being strengthened by all power, according to His glorious might, so that you may have great patience and endurance, giving thanks joyfully to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance with his holy people in the kingdom of light." Colossians 1:11-12 (my verses I'm memorizing this week...the plan is to memorize the book this year...never say never)
So thank you Jesus for whispering Grace to me when I needed it. I guess that's the beauty of memorizing His Word...it comes to mind or becomes almost natural after while (not that walking in the Light is ever really natural).
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