So I've never really been one to make "new year's resolutions" (I realize I'm a few weeks late)...at least not officially. I know it's at least a partial fear of failure, partial pride, and part something else that I can't quite figure out.
I'm an "all or nothing" kind of girl. If I don't think I can do something well (read between the lines: the best or close to it) or correctly, I'd rather pass, thank you very much. God and I are working on this as I realize it's somewhat of a problem.
My husband and I are embarking on a new church adventure.We've worked hard the last almost 2 years forging and investing and it's bittersweet to be leaving. But we know we're being obedient and doing the next thing He has for us. All of those things you tell yourself when you question yourself in the middle of the night.
The famous last words I've heard frequently are: "We'll keep in touch."
I know the reality (or maybe I'"m more pessimistic than I'd like to admit) is that life will get busy either with new relationships or simply life or folding laundry and somewhere between school work and paying bills and loving those new people, some of those "old"relationships will be a thing of the past and "downgraded" to merely a "facebook relationship." (I define this as: I haven't actually talked to this person in a year or more, but still creepily know what's going on and keep tabs through facebook status updates). And that makes me super sad. I'm not one to easily give up on relationships or look at them in the rear view mirror of my life. But I know changing directions is a good thing and change is a guarantee.
Thus, I get stuck in the past.
Reluctantly, I'm resolving to live in the present. The "not-there-yet, "that-will-be-the-day", "today-has-enough-worries-of-it's own" today.
The future gets too scary for me I can't control it. It's unruly in a pesky sort of way. It's going to be for my good I know (Jeremiah 29:11)-I say this by faith-but I'm sure there will be painful moments too. These are relationships and scenarios I want to go a certain way. But the best thing for me to do (from what I read of God's Word), is to resolve to live in the present. I can "control" how I respond.
With grace. With faith. With gratitude.
This is the imperfect resolution for me- this "living in the present." I am sure I will fail more times than I'd like to count and it will drive my "all or nothing" self crazy. But in as many ways as it's imperfect, that makes it the perfect resolution as well. Another opportunity to be transformed by His grace. And slough off a little more pride.
P.S. After writing this post, I had the song I learned in Girl Scouts when I was 7 running through my brain. "Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver, the other gold. A circle is round, it has no end. That's how long I will be your friend." Cheesy I know. But true? yes. Please say I"m not the only one who knows that song.
2 comments:
My wife says, "I know it!" :-)
I know that girl scout song, and know that feeling of moving on...and although you have a bizillion friends already and seem to still have time to keep up with old and new, I know that you will just keep gaining them and blessing them. Having you as a friend is such a huge blessing...my family members don't always send a hand written card on my birthday anymore, but my friend Megan always does, and it always makes me feel special. I love that you never leave a friendship...out of sight is not out of mind in your case...I have learned to be a better friend from you, my friend Megan. :)
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