Confessions of an "Approval Junkie"

Warning: This post is hard for me. But I feel the fact that I don't want to write it, means I need to.

Pride used to be one of those things that I thought didn't apply to me. "Oh, that applies to people who 'toot their own horn.' " But pride is a sneaky thing. It's one of those "private sins" that we can easily try to disguise as something else...like being over-sensitive, a hard worker, or being kind to others (all ways that my pride hides itself) We can "sweep it under the rug" so to speak, or we might see a glimpse of it but deny we saw that flash of truth.

"You see, the sin of pride, which is at the heart of being a people-pleaser, is an insidious thing. Like a cataract that slowly covers the eye of its victim, pride keeps us from seeing our sins, thus preventing us from properly dealing with them." Lou Priolo 

My pride masquerades itself as being an "approval junkie." (also: see "people pleaser" or "codependency") As the author above discusses in his book Pleasing People: How Not to be An 'Approval Junkie', there are plenty of appropriate times and situations in which to please people: God, husband, family, boss, friends and laying one's life down for another as Christ teaches us. However, as with most sins, "people pleasing" takes it a step further and twists this pleasing of people into a state that is not as healthy. And BOOM! Sin. It wasn't until about 3 years ago (this guy named Bob that I was emailing had mentioned I should read this book...) that I came to the realization that "people pleasing" was in fact a sin. I think I always thought of it as "Oh, but I can't help it. This is just how I am." I thought of it more as a liability and something I couldn't help. But then after really looking at some of the Scripture that the above author presents, I was convinced by the Spirit about this thing called "people pleasing."

And more recently, I've started to really connect the dots how pride is the root cause of this "pleasing people" in excess. I want to be seen a certain way. I have an "image" to uphold. I fear rejection like some people fear going to the dentist and having teeth pulled. I hate being confronted about things-I become depressed that I failed at something.  I have to read between the lines here. What I'm really saying is the following: "You're better than that. It's impossible for you to make mistakes. You live by a higher standard than that. You're not like most people." When you put it that way, I see the pride. It doesn't help that I am also a "recovering perfectionist." It is my opinion that most people who are people pleasers are also "perfectionists" (or as my friend Brooke puts it, a "frustrated perfectionist"...which I guess most perfectionists are frustrated as being perfect is impossible and they're caught in this vicious cycle)

 So I ask myself, why am I this way? Pride has become this idol in my life. Idol!( I see visions of the Old Testament, golden calves, and the Israelites making yet another choice to worship idols. I also see visions of little figurines for some reason...weird, I know) Yes, an idol. As Lou Priolo says about idolatry- "Looking to to someone (or something) else to do for me those things that only God can do"  Pride can often become that one thing that I cling to to make my life "work."

Pride has really been giving me a "run for my money" these past couple of weeks. I don't think I have ever hated pride like this before. I'm seeing how ugly it is. I want to rip out the entire root and all of the dirt surrounding it in a 5 mile radius. And my pride "root" and the "people pleasing" vine are so entangled and wrapped up with each other, that it's so hard to tell one from another. Which came first? The chicken or the egg (the pride or people pleasing) ?

Good news...I need good news here. I'm a little bit depressed about my current situation. I realize I'm caught in a cycle of sin and  disappointment. Is there any hope?? Yes, certainly!  The Apostle Paul says in Romans 7 (Message)
  " ²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?
 ²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different."

Not meaning to be super simplistic, but Jesus and how he defeated every kind of sin imaginable on the Cross is the answer. I am not controlled by sin anymore. I can make the choice to let that pride dig it's roots deeper in the soil of my heart or allow the vine of "people pleasing" to tighten it's hold around my heart a little more. Or I can embrace the freedom that Christ has made mine.  And today I choose that one. I choose to rest in Him. I choose freedom and life.
By His grace I will do the same the day after that. And the day after that.


^"5 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. ⁶ The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. ⁷ The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. ⁸ Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God." Romans 8:5-8