The Places That Used to Fit Me...

My blog address is borrowed from musician Sara Groves' song "Add to the Beauty." It's a song that inspires me and I think is what I'm trying to say with my life-I want to make the world more beautiful in any way I can. It could be folding laundry, baking cookies for someone, and actually creating something pretty.   I read "The Listening Life" by Adam McHugh this summer and he talked about how most of us wake up asking at least one question with our life each day. I want my question to be "How can I love God and others well?" and I do this by making the world more beautiful.

 Sara Groves' music was the soundtrack of my 20s and I still very much enjoy listening to her still today. However, I've strayed a little bit. Her song "Painting Pictures of Egypt" has a line about "The places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I've learned. Those roads were closed down to me, when my back was turned."
This comes to mind as I'm attempting (once again...the last time was 3 years ago!) to cultivate my writing again. It might just be for me and that's okay. I feel like I should somehow summarize my journey of the last three years in this blog post...to catch up. But I'm thinking that would be overwhelming and unnecessary. I'll just discuss things as they come up. That's more normal anyway. Conversations shouldn't be a checklist.

But it's true...the places that used to fit me, cannot hold the things I've learned.
I could tell the me from 3 years ago... "Hey, guess what?! You finally get to be a SAHM (stay at home mom) in 2017....just hang in there."

I could tell the me from 3 years ago about how I'd have a miscarriage and be very blindsided by it.  I always thought "no news is good news." I replayed over and over again the visit to the ultrasound room where the kind but weathered technician had to tell me "I'm sorry...there's no heart beat." My world felt shattered for many months.

I could tell the me that last year I was in that same ultrasound room and got to hear my very healthy 32 week old baby's heartbeat. He's now a healthy 13 month old little guy who smiles every chance he gets. I can't imagine my life without that rainbow baby Elias.

I could tell the me about how my oldest Josiah makes me laugh on a daily basis. Today he asked a "friend" (more like a frienemy) at preschool if he knew Jesus. The other little boy said "yes, I Know about him." His teacher asked Josiah "Why did you ask him that?"
Josiah said "Well, he says some not good words-like poop and butt and he throws rocks. I just wanted to make sure he knew Jesus."
When I asked Josiah about the friend today after preschool he said "Well, he said he knows Jesus, mom, so that's not the problem."

Mostly, besides just needing a place to put my thoughts, my sweet Aunt Lisa asked me the other day at her daughter's wedding reception if I'd thought about writing or ministry or something of the like. I told her there were many "mommy bloggers" out there and the world doesn't need another one. She said they're not me and I have wisdom to share.
My husband told me unsolicited that same night that I should start writing again. Just to cultivate it. To find my niche.
Boom.
So here I am.

I haven't arrived, but the new places are starting to fit a little better. This new life is not going to an "outside of the home job" everyday.
I had so many misconceptions of SAHM 's before I started this journey just a few weeks ago. But already the new places, although they feel big and I need to grow into them, I can tell they're going to fit me just fine. I still have so much to learn but thankful for where I am right now.

I'm back!

Here's my official disclaimer: So it's okay if my husband (who is my biggest fan) is the only one who reads this...I need to do this because it makes me happy and I've missed it. And I think I've been putting this off for at least 6 months...mostly because I'm afraid.

For some reason, almost two years ago this week, I stopped posting on my blog. My blog wasn't really that wonderful...I didn't have 101 people who followed me. It was just a place where I wrote things...sometimes serious, sometimes funny, many times my gratitude list. And at first I just thought it (giving up the blog) was all apart of this "sacrifice thing" and part of becoming a mom (I also found out I was pregnant with my now 16 month old son Josiah this time 2 years ago). A full-time working mom. A mom whose heart is really to be at home caring for her son and caring for her home and husband without other distractions.  

(side note: But Jesus has other plans for my life and since I say I trust Him, I need to trust Him on this path that doesn't really make sense to me right now.)

Then I learned some things...My pride keeps me from doing things many times because I worry it won't be the best or maybe very accepted by others or anything spectacular. I've also realized that I'm not a robot. I need rest and Sabbath. I need GFH (Guilt Free Hours). And after reading some incredible blogs by women who followed the invisible voice of the Spirit guiding them...I've come to a conclusion...
I love writing.
I miss writing.
Even if I'm about the only one who reads it.
I love writing.

And probably more important...God has reminded me I have something to say. He's given me a voice. He's also made me aware that I am different from most around me...in a good way. I'm not the SAHM I wish I were. I love Jesus (and my son very much and wish I could be with him more) and work 40 or more hours a week outside of my home. These can co-exist. This doesn't make me any better or any worse than any other mom (Lisa Jo Baker says it so well "There's no 'one size fits all' motherhood." Amen sister. Her words refresh my soul. The One Where I'm a Working Mom and For the Mom on her way to daycare drop off right now . ) It is what it is. I don't need to defend what I'm called to do. And I'm not second rate. It's the Enemy who makes me feel that way and don't need to allow it. It doesn't matter how many followers I have. Just writing is what I need to do. It's how I process life.

And to bring back the gratitude... If you remember, I had an ongoing gratitude list I kept on my blog (since then I've kept it on my phone and in my journal). It's morphed a little bit. Ann VosKamp has put out a daily gratitude calendar that has me looking for 3 specific things each day. Which appeals to my list making personality.And it helps me to be more creative all at the same time:)  More creative? Bring it on, I say.

Today was 3 Things Orange.
1. Jehoshaphat the Cat (whom we call Joey).

This furry feline was our first son...our kitty son. And then there was the time that he ran away and we didn't see him for six weeks. I drove to school everyday just hoping I wouldn't see his little body lying lifeless in the road. Somehow we miraculously got him back on warm April day.  Let me tell you, those "lost pet" signs that are posted all over neighborhoods and vet offices really work. He's the prodigal kitty cat. Even though his role has changed with baby Jo Jo, our family wouldn't be complete without him.  Even when he looks at me with disdain...letting me know I once again forgot to feed him. Poor kitty. But then I remember that he sleeps 20 hours a day and then I feel a lot less sorry for him.

2. orange day lilies.
I love how friendly they look...and yet another way to mark the seasons. That humid time of year called July and August.

3. mangoes
...my once upon a time roommate in Bolivar Jennifer called them the "carrot fruit. "And although at the time I thought that was sort of a funny description, she's so right. There's something in their taste that does remind me of carrots.  And gosh darn it, I love how juicy those are. Way to go God in creating something so cool like that.

And this is the end of my "I'm back" post.
It's good to be back. Writing. Again.

Gratitude update...

I am grateful for ...  (sorry the list is so long...I need to do it more frequently, but this is better than nothing, right?)
1289. seeing the house where a friend grew up
1290. movie date night
1291. perfect chocolate icing (it's on the Hershey's Cocoa box if you're interested. Best. Chocolate. Cake. Ever.)
1292. playing board games with senior citizens
1293. creative gifts
1294. seeing a friend back at work
1295. kind note from a student's parents
1296. a friend looking out for me
1297. afternoon coke and candy bar from our school PAWS (I know that sugar crash wasn't good, but I enjoyed it:)
1298. cool, fresh mornings watering my garden
1299. finding out my husband will be home tonight when I thought he had a meeting
1300. reading in the backyard
1301. spontaneous but good decision
1302. salmon on the grill
1303. praying while driving
1304. rainbow in the rear view mirror
1305. homemade oatmeal made by my husband
1306. Sunday pm nap ( I should do these much more often!)
1307. helpful people on the phone
1308. being welcomed at a new Bible study with women I don't know
1309. steaming cup of coffee
1310. harmonies of Shane and Shane
1311. friend liking the gift I gave her
1312. seeing beloved friends
1313 celebrating birthdays of grown ups
1314. bowl of strawberries and raspberries from my garden
1315. light filtering from the trees onto the floor
1316. clean windows
1317. hot shower
1318. last day gifts from students
1319. friend accepting help
1320. husband who takes care of our yard
1321. flexibility to my schedule
1322. stormy morning to sleep in
1323. choosing truth
1326. blessing others
1327. my wonderful husband who always goes above and beyond in honoring and loving me
1328. my sister's wedding day
1329. moments of clarity
1330. first fireflies of summer
1331. smores on the grill
1332. talking over breakfast in bed
1333. classroom para coming to help me during summer school just because she wants to (for free!) on the first few days of summer school which can be overwhelming!  She is the absolute best!
1334. evening walk around the neighborhood
1335. energy for tasks I don't want to do
1336. being happy for others
1337. sweatshirt on an unseasonably cold May day
1338. red velvet cake gelato and pizza date night
1339. kitty whose purr you can hear from across the room
1340. feeling rested
1341. staying in bed half an hour more with the season of summer school
 1342. cold water on my burns
1343. trusty atlas when the Garmin let me down:)
1344. mini vacay while at a friend's wedding
1345. conversation while watching tball/softball
1346. jovial people in the mornings
1347. watching the bunny in the backyard eat grass (and not my garden:). We have named her Betsy. It was my husband's idea:)
1348. getting to my destination
1349. seeing an old friend
1350. flavored coffee at the motel...an unexpected "perk" :)
1351. husband driving late so I could sleep
1352. hair on my head
1353. leftovers for lunch
1354. balloon and flower from a student
1355. no head lice! ( I had convinced myself one weekend that I had it and thankfully as a good head check from the school nurse, I did not, Praise the Lord!)
1356. being true to who I am
1357. kitty lapping milk from the cereal bowl
1358. music being the soundtrack of my day
1359. fresh cut roses from our huge bush
1360. welcoming my brother in law's family into our home
1361. safe travels for family and friends
1362. husband who gets me a piece of my sister's wedding cake with icing on 2 sides (because I"m too busy talking)...just because He knows it is my favorite!
1363. conversing about parents and grandparents over morning coffee with a friend
1364. glass chapel in the woods
1365. lots of cheese on spinach artichoke dip
1366. a house to clean
1367. surprising my husband

The art of being happy for others

I used to think I was good at being happy for others. I came face to face with my "selfish-I-don't-really-want-change-thank-you-very much" self these past few months.  It makes sense because it shares a space with gratitude and contentment. At the heart of the matter of this : does God really have what's best for me ? Can I trust Him that I'm not missing out?  Once again, my time spent with 5 year olds really helps in this situation ...
sometimes I wonder how much I sound like them in my head. "But I wanted that one, God."  "Her life is easier than mine."  (insert whiny, 5 year old voice here)

I've had plenty ...and I mean plenty-of opportunities the past 2 months to practice this "being happy for others" thing. A few times I did pretty well. Once I cried right in front of the person. And at least once I  figuratively fell flat on my face and had to apologize for myself later.  However, my friend was gracious and quickly forgave me. But most of the time, I'm in this little "in between" space. I have this ongoing conversation in my head between me and God or me and myself (sometimes it's hard to tell) and I don't want the other person to know my selfish, inner thoughts. Of course, I ruin that now by telling others about it:)

I got to thinking that this "comparing" is a sin, although a socially acceptable one. It makes me think of the rules I have for my kids at school...like the one about "we don't swing our bodies between the tables." And I explain that I'm not being mean, I just don 't want you to get hurt. And it's the same with us...God isn't saying "Don't compare" because he's mean. He's saying it because he loves me and wants the best for me.

I once had a mentor say "Don't feel your way to an action, but act your way to a feeling. "How true this is! Yesterday, I had another situation where someone was telling me something fortunate they were getting to do and on the inside I started whining to myself.  But what came out of my mouth was "Oh, I"m so happy for you. Yay!" And it really sounded convincing. And the truth is, I really was happy for this person. I can "act my way to a feeling" in this way.

Here are a few things I've found are sure fire ways to not being content and to make the problem described above worse.
1. Spend more time than necessary on Facebook. It doesn't take long looking at pictures of people's babies or new houses before I start feeling sorry for myself.
2. Thinking that somehow  someone has THE life with no worries, all desires fulfilled, etc... That's a lie! Simply not true. We're all on a journey and in a process.  One of my good friends said one time "The grass might be greener on the other side of the fence, but you've still got to water , mow, and fertilize that grass."
3. Not spending time keeping track of the small, simple gifts that stack up day after day.

He sees me...and not in a "facebook stalker" kind of way

I have this "signal" with my students...they have their hand raised and if I'm in the middle of teaching/talking and I can't stop right away, I give them an "I see you" signal so they know I have not forgotten them. It goes something like this:  I point to my eyes and then point to them while still speaking. One of my sweet little boys was raising his hand for probably what seemed like 10 minutes the other day when I did the "I see you and have not forgotten you" signal. He nodded his head in a confident sort of way, like "I trust Mrs. G. She won't forget me. If she said she's going to get back to me, she certainly will."
That same week I read in Genesis 16  about Hagar and after her encounter with God she called him "The God Who Sees Me."
We all have things in our lives that we wonder if He sees...although sometimes in my darker moments I convince myself that I'm alone and that no one else has the problems that I have. The Devil loves this.

Do you see that desire that I have to be well?
Do you see that desire that I have for a change?
Do you see that relationship that needs healing?
Do you hear my heart's cry for that situation?
Do you, do you?

I want to be like that sweet little guy in my class who nods his head in a trusting way, because he knows me well enough to know that I won't forget him. And that I see him.
It takes faith to live that way. To nod my head while I wait in a trusting way, because I know Him well enough to know that He won't forget me. And that He sees me.

Gratitude: 1161-1288

Sometimes I get frustrated with how far behind I get with posting...but I will not be defeated!

1161.finding a do-able price for carpet
1162. buying new clothes for my husband
1163. lemon lush concrete
1164. sunny and free weekend
1165. not working at school on a Sunday
1166. car still in drive able condition about a little fender-bender:)
1167. student birthdays
1168. turning off the alarm in the morning
1169. purple and silver hightops on a student
1170. milk that lasts up to and past it's expiration date (after having milk that does the opposite)
1171. cloudy morning that gives way to a lovely afternoon for an Easter Egg hunt
1172. principal who goes out to recess to hear a child's good news
1173. teacher friend bearing Sonic drinks
1174. stopping to say 'have a great weekend!"
1175. price being lower than i thought
1176. a Bible study that I can join
1177. finding a connection I have with someone
1178. well received idea
1179. helpful sister in law
1180. lunch date with my husband
1181. dinner and movie at home with my parents and sister
1182. drive on a lovely Friday afternoon
1183. someone just checking in
1184. closing a chapter a life and starting a new one
1185. leisurely morning
1186. catching up
1187. surprising a friend with a visit
1188. creative card
1189. midafternoon rain
1190. pink cupcakes
1191. mom fixing favorite meal for dinner
1192. lunch in car at Sonic with my sister
1193. having a good book to read while waiting when I don't want to at the car place spending more money than I  wanted to on a beautiful day off (hard one!)
1194. kind manager at the car place explains things to me and doesn't make me feel dumb
1195. sleeping in 3 hours
1196. crafting time
1197. resting when I have a headache
1198. time to read a "life-giving" book
1199. help with a "not fun" task
1200. long eyelashes on a boy
1201. smell of new carpet
1202. dry towel after a shower
1203. coming home right after school
1204. kind words
1205. seeing people I know in town
1206. student at public library with a sackful of books
1207. student laughing with me about something (not at me thankfully:)
1208. a family walking across the street hand-in-hand
1209. sunny afternoon, seeing a good friend and her family
1210. baby strawberries growing
1211. a fun food experience date
1212. the wind whooshing through the tall trees
1213. feeling rested at 4:30 am
1214. "oohs" and "aahs" while opening baby shower gifts
1215. friend who brings over warm Amish friendship bread at 8:45 pm
1216.student who was injured will be okay
1217. planting herbs: the fragrant smell!
1218. creative student who made a recycling poster
1219. pain going away
1220. the right music to "jumpstart" my morning
1221. releasing/letting go of something I've been insistent on carrying
1222. celebrating the joy of others
1223. seeing a family friend
1224. neighbor letting me borrow her yard tools
1225. snacks provided at an after school meeting
1226. a really wanted pregnancy for someone after a tragic loss
1227. a good friend with a listening ear
1228. crazy, sweaty pe hair on a student
1229. little girl who wears cowboy boots with all of her clothing (skirts, jeans, shorts)
1230. husband getting birthday mail each day
1231. plants given to me
1232. reunion with friends
1233.making dinner
1234. kitty curled up at my feet
1235. day of rest
1236. borrowing a lawn mower
1237. working in the yard together
1238. husband making me a road trip CD
1239. pink lemonade
1240. red licorice
1241. 30 months of being married
1242. kid throwing helicopter seeds at recess
1244. pedicure with a friend
1245. weeks where Thursday is really a Friday
1246. choosing a good attitude
1247. safe trip
1248. husband going grocery shopping
1249. diffusing a difficult situation
1250. opening my window blinds to a new day
1251. hot tea
1252. good talk with a friend on a Monday morning at 7:30
1253. electricity that is functional in a room again
1254. getting my car fixed (even though I wish it would look different for spending so much on it!)
1255. cutting off an ivy vine that is dead
1256. smaller size
1257. someone to mow our grass
1258. morning rain/thunder
1259. productive task with youth
1260. falling asleep while watching a movie
1261. evening walk
1262. meeting another neighbor
1263. grilled asparagus
1264. brownies and garlic dip (not together necessarily)
1265. husband writing notes in my lunch
1266. Friday night date
1267. girl on a date with her dad
1268.. celebrating with my sister
1269. colorful kites
1270. sung streaming in first thing in the morning
1271. spaghetti sauce (and "doctoring it up" with some fresh garlic and onions)
1272. sweet next door neighbor lady giving me a tour of her sweet little house
1273. roots of a baby plant
1274. time with a "heart friend"
1275. shared recipe
1276. less time at school on a Friday
1277. finding the perfect gift
1278. picnic in the park
1279. reading "timeless" words
1280. birthday dessert from scratch
1281. rainy Sunday
1282. parent volunteer
1283. fuzzy house slippers
1284. first ripe strawberry from our garden!
1285. colorful fajitas
1286. homemade ice cream sandwiches
1287. reading outside with my husband after dinner
1288. treat on my desk in the morning from a surprise friend:)

counting issues

Good grief. I realized that last post I had a little wishful thinking ... skipped from 1099 to 2000. Good thing I just teach numbers to 100 on a daily basis or my students would be in trouble. Seriously.

1115. a thoughtful facebook message from the parent of a past student
1116. what i call the "Aldi-Quarter-for-a-cart-handoff" in the parking lot
1117. chunky tomato soup
1118. seeing fruits of our labor
1119. borrowed supplies that we don't have to buy
1120. neighbor kids on their bikes
1121. giving a tour of our house to family for the first time
1122. plants and trees blooming in the yard (it's like a treasure hunt since it's all new to us!)
1123.  friend checking to see if i needed help
1124. bowl of bright jelly beans
1125. magnolia tree in bloom  outside our kitchen window
1126. someone doing us a favor
1127. shoes i was looking for on clearance
1128. the miracles that magic erasers work while cleaning
1129. a shared load
1130. seeing/hearing a storm roll in
1131. gentle rain at twilight
1132. hard work and preparation paying off for my husband's calling
1133. hot shower to greet me in the morning
1134. help with an undesirable task
1135. people including me
1136. husband encouraging me to try something new
1137. baking chocolate chip cookies with 2 girls on a rainy afternoon
1138. being able to "veg" when I have a headache
1139. others' positive attitudes rubbing off on me
1140. picking up bobbie pins off of the floor
1141. being supportive of a friend
1142. look on a students' face when eating a pickle
1143. van  full of youth
1144. being trusted
1145. our realtor
1146. date night in
1147. talk on phone with good friend
1148. getting lost in the country while driving around
1149. husband encouraging me to do what is hard
1150. seeing people i know around town
1151. waking up slowly without an alarm
1152. being greeted by the youth group girls as i drive up to church
1153. spiritual milestone (19 years of walking with Him)
1154. dinner date with my husband
1155. finding something I thought was lost
1156. closing on our house...finally!
1157. sensitive nature of my husband
1158. meeting neighbors
1159. sitting in the back seat on the bus on our field trip
1160. black cows, green grass, blue sky, and white puffy clouds