heavy heart

Nothing. Left. To. Give.
I know I've reached that point when I sit in my car when I arrive home in my parking lot and just sit. I don't want to get out. Because it means I have to walk up the stairs. There's no reason why I wouldn't want to...I have a wonderful husband and funny little kitty upstairs. But at the moment gathering all of my things from the back seat of my car from just an average Friday at school seems daunting. (I'd like to meet a pack mule. I think we'd have a lot in common)

My heart is heavy for a good friend. I wish I could snap my fingers, pray in a magical way to make God answer like I want Him to (I know in my head he doesn't work like this...so much could be said about prayer and how he uses it in our lives), or shout some good sense at someone.

I am frustrated about how many hours I spend at school and feel like I have nothing to show for myself. I am frustrated that I will probably need to go back to school this weekend and work. If only my job really were from 8 to 3 like some people who aren't teachers think that it is.  I. give. give. give. give.  Is this really where my life is to be spent right now? How am I affecting the Kingdom?  Sigh.

I sometimes feel like I don't belong...and I hate that feeling. I'm pretty sure that's the Holy Spirit though...reminding me that this is not my home.

My heart just feels heavy for a plethora of reasons...and then I feel bad for feeling bad. Good grief Charlie Brown.

I make it upstairs. My husband hugs me and knows my mood is something to let breathe. He is so good about speaking Truth to me... 

My thoughts turn to other things...I remember the date. (I do this a lot in my life-if you know me well, you know I'm a "date savant.") Papaw went to heaven a year ago today. I know this is not a big deal to most of the world. Except for a small, minute handful of people. And I have no doubt that heaven is all it's supposed to be. Jesus is there and that makes it what it's supposed to be (speaking of, one of my little girls says today when we're spread out all over the floor with our sleeping bags and books for our class "read in"--"This is like heaven.") I miss Papaw. I am a sentimental person, it's true. I decide to look at some pictures. In the picture to below, he's holding one of the sweatshirts he's famous for "At what age am I old enough to know better?"
That was a birthday gift. Probably from my aunt. I watch the video I've posted. It makes me laugh and cry. I cry at a lot these days (that's what going off of an anti-depressant will do to you I guess!). It's actually a feeling I've missed. I laugh that Papaw starts blowing the candles before we finish singing. I smile sadly that he's worn out from blowing the candles. I smile because I know that kitchen in Georgia well. I love that i know that the birthday cake on the table was made and decorated by my Mamaw. I love that my mom looks like her parents. So sweet.

I feel better now. A little. Walking across the room still feels like hard work. My husband knows to let me be melancholic. He's really sweet like that. And he sort of thinks like a girl sometimes, so it works out well for me. I just needed to emotionally vomit.  Jesus says to come to Him. I need to take Him at his Word. He gives and gives and gives. He is inexhaustible! Amen to that! I want what matters and to give my life to what matters-eternally. I just feel like my life is such a far cry from that at times.

I realize that this is not one of the more entertaining, uplifting posts I've made...but it's real and it's true and sometimes we need to be more of those things. And that is #201 on my thankful list I guess. Being real and true. And how it makes you sigh deeply and feel contented.

And it makes me feel renewed...like I can give again.