Those who know me well know I'm the kind of person who will write things on my "to-do list" in my planner just so I can cross it off. I admit it...I love to have that feeling of accomplishment. It's like I get a "high" from it. I'm a "performance junkie." An "accomplishment-a-holic." Often times I allow myself to become defined by my performance. And I know this isn't God's best for me.
One such incident happened yesterday...
Usually when I accomplish nearly as much as I set out to in a given amount of time (because why would I hope to get a reasonable amount of things done...why not make my list unrealistic and then be disappointed with myself for not getting everything finished that i wanted to) I get this feeling -- "wow, look at how much I got done." And this kind of spirals into "look at me, no hands (sort of like the whole " no hands" on the handlebars of the bicycle but instead it's more like "no God strength needed here.") And I know the Bible says that pride comes before a fall...yesterday it was a literal fall. But not me so much. I was vacuuming (why was i doing this in the first place? Any normal person might have been taking a nap or reading a book...but no, I can't rest til I have the things on my to-do list crossed off; and besides I had made a deal with myself that I couldn't do anything else til I had the cleaning completed). I bumped up against the hall table which bumped against the wall which somehow knocked the framed picture off the wall, onto the table below which held my candle warmer with a completely melted Yankee Candle (balsam fir-smells heavenly), and then the entire candle jar onto the floor. It was all in slow motion kind of like "Mouse Trap." You remember that game...the one where the board is set up with all sorts of traps and where the marble lands in the bucket which kicks over the shoe and so on. I was pretty much frozen in one spot. And gasped at the result...dark green candle wax. All. Over. The. Carpet.
I'm pretty sure I stood there for at least a minute...contemplating what to do. Get a rag...no, that won't help with the stuff on the carpet. Vacuum it up...no even bigger mess. Call Bob...still at work. Just sit down on the floor and cry? Possibly. Joey the cat watched me from the Lazyboy recliner (how appropriate that the Lazy cat loves to sit on the Lazy Boy chair) as I decided on my next move. I looked at him with an appeal for help but he just meowed and put his head back down in nap position. I did want to cry. All sorts of silly thoughts were running through my brain such as "This is what I get for being so productive." "Shoot, now I won't have time to take down the Christmas tree." "Why do I even bother trying to make where we live at least appear clean?" and "An afternoon's work, completely down the drain." (I'm very much "All or nothing." If I mess something up, I can't easily see the part I got right or what I did well outside of that. For example: all of the Christmas presents finished and wrapped for my family which took several hours, unpacking my suitcase before packing another, etc..)
And then a still small voice ... "Pride comes before a fall."
What? Where the heck did that come from? That wasn't from me. And it certainly would be from God, would it? He is okay with my productiveness. He needs productive people in His kingdom.
But not when that productivity and "to-do list" crossing becomes your King and your Idol.
Whoa, whoa, whoa...that's going a little far God.
But it's somewhat true, though, right? You have to admit that. You allow how much you accomplished in a day affect how you feel about yourself (negatively), My Precious Child. I paid a dear price for you.
Or you start subconsciously attempting things on your own and not trusting me. (at this point I've consulted some online sources and put out my plea for help on facebook and am applying bags of ice to the candle wax)
But pride, God?
Yes, pride.
But I don't see the connection. It's okay to be satisfied with what I got accomplished, right? Or maybe you mean that I start to think subconsciously "I can tackle this on my own. Look at how much I got accomplished. I can tackle life on my own. " And slowly there's a drift away from You.
That's what I was getting at. Being productive...nothing wrong with that in and of itself. But when it becomes first place and your standard of how you view your self (either positively or negatively) instead of My Word, then it's dangerous. There's no room for pride in my Kingdom.
No joking. Your Son who was God and had every reason to use his position as God's Beloved Son to His advantage did the very opposite. He emptied Himself to become human. (See Philippians 2: 5-8) (I was listening to the sermon on Sunday!) I just wish you would have gotten my attention in another way...but I guess it could be so much worse (a variation of my friend Sherrie Bayer's "It could be better...it could be worse.")
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Anyway, call me nuts, but that's how that little episode with the vacuum cleaner, candle wax, and God went yesterday afternoon.
I haven't crossed anything off my list today.
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